July 28, 2022

The Lost Episodes of Coaching Character Podcast, Volume 4

The Lost Episodes of Coaching Character Podcast, Volume 4

In Episode 92 and other episodes this summer, we are taking a break from our normal programming to share with you some unreleased episodes from the Coaching Character Podcast, which Phil recorded with Coach Roz, who played football for the Oakland...


In Episode 92 and other episodes this summer, we are taking a break from our normal programming to share with you some unreleased episodes from the Coaching Character Podcast, which Phil recorded with Coach Roz, who played football for the Oakland Raiders and San Diego State, and now runs The Playmakers, which works with at-risk and developmentally different children. This is great content that we wanted to ensure got the airtime it deserves. In this episode, Coach Roz and Phil talk about their previous conversation with Andrew Murakami, strengthening marriages, how coaches can supplement the roles of moms and dads in their kids’ lives, and how coaches can help their players flourish by being more relational than transactional.

Resources and Links from this Episode

 
Transcript

Welcome back to how soccer explains leadership. I'm Phil Darke, your host. My cohost, Paul Jobson, and I absolutely love bringing you incredible content, great interviews with great guests in the world of soccer. People who have played the game, people who have coached the game. People who have done other things with the game. And they share with us the lessons that they have learned from the game and how they're using them in their lives, outside the game, whether that's in their parenting and their marriages in their leadership of organizations or otherwise.

This summer, however, we are taking a little break from that. We will be getting back to that probably in late August, early September, but until then we are bringing you the lost episodes of the coaching character podcast. Coaching character was a podcast that I started with a good friend of mine, Greg Rosler.

And we interviewed coaches about how we can incorporate integrity, character, really important life lessons into our [00:01:00] coaching. And so we thought it was a great. Podcast to be able to share with you this summer, as we're taking a break from our normal programming. this week, we have another conversation.

That Greg and I had about Andrew Murakami and the interview that we had with him. We released that last week. But this week, coach Roz and I talk about. How we can strengthen the marriages of coaches, which is often a problem. We talk about how coaches can supplement the roles of moms and dads in their kids' lives and how coaches can help their players flourish by being more relational than transactional.

These are things that we talk about. We talk about several other things in this episode. So without more from me right now. We're going to get right to it

[00:01:45] Coach Roz: Welcome to the coaching character podcast. I'm Greg Rosler, coach Roz. I have got my right hand, man. The, the dude, the guy that I have utmost respect for. And my partner in crime, Phil [00:02:00] dark. And you're already grinning Phil. Welcome. If you didn't, let's kick

[00:02:03] Phil: this thing off, you didn't see you could you probably see, even though this is an audio podcast, you could see the sarcasm exuding out of his mouth as he was.

I thought you were my right hand, man. What happened? I thought that the way we confused on, I know we're confused. I didn't, I didn't realize that I

[00:02:18] Coach Roz: was your right hand. All right. So let's be totally transparent because we coach each other hard on these things to do the best we can. And we just had this, you just gave me this lesson in.

We have to, we have to be moderate, our amount of sarcasm, and yet. We just

[00:02:33] Phil: LOD each other. I just say, take it completely out. I just said, so folks, you know, as you're going, you know, and, and there is sarcasm and you can't hear us laughing. Just imagine that we're, if you think that's probably sarcasm it, it, I'm sure it is.

That's just, that's just the rule of coaching character from here on out. And we are going to do our best to not be sarcastic all

[00:02:54] Coach Roz: the time. So, you know, you were walking in you're right. And you were walking in this morning and, and you said something that I took [00:03:00] to heart, and that is that you are becoming a Buffalo bills fan, which means that the meter is going towards my sport.

And you're becoming you you're beginning

[00:03:10] Phil: to get it. Yeah. Well, you know, as. At one of these days, you're actually gonna listen. When I tell you that I love all sports and soccer, quote, unquote, the real football is just my favorite. And so I can, I'm a, I'm a Renaissance man, as we've talked about, I can love all sports.

You

[00:03:29] Coach Roz: sound like a politician. Well,

[00:03:30] Phil: you know, all right. And let me, lemme get anyway, let's bring to what people actually are. Okay, click on this. This may their first episode. I just wanna make sure people aren't turning us off already, already going. What? So let's get to the meat of what we're talking about, which is Andrew Murakami, who is an amazing young man.

Gosh, isn't, isn't he? Isn't he special? Oh man. I, I, as with several of these people, I look forward to meeting him in person and really being able to sit down with him and dive into their lives and, and hear more about 'em. But just the little. Snippet, we got there and you obviously [00:04:00] know a whole lot more, and you've been able to speak into this man's life a lot, obviously, as he shared on that.

But there's some, there's some different things that I'll let you take the first crack at one of some of the things to talk about. But yeah, I, if you didn't listen to that interview, folks, stop this right now. Go back to that episode. Listen to Andrew, cuz man, he's gonna give way more wisdom than we can ever do.

In this show. So, I'm gonna go and, and, and just tell you right now, give you permission to stop us. Go listen to that. And then if you want to come back and listen to this again, do that too,

[00:04:33] Coach Roz: right. And fast rewind, two things you said already. As, as I'm rewinding the guests that we have had that either you have known, or I have known it, that we think are special people and yet the content and, and the tidbits that they're giving us, just what special people they truly are, is be, is coming out.

And that's we expected that, but it. I believe it's been above and beyond the call of duty with all of our guests, whatever [00:05:00] the topic is. And then with Andrew, I'll just do a fast rewind. Andrew today is the senior pastor at willows Nazare church who I had the privilege of coaching his freshman year.

He's a man with developmental differences and how he. Talked and shared his story about using football and the sport. He did not go on and play college football. He did not go to the NFL. He's doing something far more important, but the lessons that football and the relationship with coaches and how that shaped him into who he is today, that's the previous

[00:05:36] Phil: episode.

Yeah. Yeah. That did a pretty good job. I didn't have all the great stuff that we're gonna

[00:05:40] Coach Roz: talk about now. Right. I, I think where, where I would begin is he shared a story about wanting to quit how many young people at no matter what sport at some time or another may have wanted to quit and how not quitting and [00:06:00] how we talked him into not quitting shaped.

[00:06:04] Phil: Yeah. You know, and I would go one step further on that, that, that not quitting. And then you're, as you talked with him and said, you quit, I quit. It impacted him so much that that came full circle back to you to impact you. When you were going through something that was really, really difficult, your cancer diagnosis.

I don't wanna ruin that entire interview, but go back and listen to that. And just watching you two, talk about that, to see how much that impacted him was amazing. But one of the coolest things that I think came out of that too. Yeah. The quitting, the perseverance, the, we need to push through that alone is, is worth the price of admission.

Right. But the other part of that, that really hit me with. Was that if he would've quit, he wouldn't have had all these other unintended consequences of playing football that he said, my [00:07:00] physical, my mental strength, art would not be anywhere near what they are today. If I didn't take that risk. I didn't push through and I didn't persevere to play this game that strengthened me physically, that strengthened me mentally.

That allowed me to now do what I do today and sum it too many times. As you said, he has developmental deliver. He was told at a young age, you will not play sports. Yep. He was told you couldn't, you can't do this. You can't do that. You can't do the other thing. And so many people in our world would play the victim.

yeah. And say, I can't do this right. Poor me. Woe is me. This stinks, this, these cards I would dealt are terrible. I need to just cash it in

[00:07:47] Coach Roz: well, and, and as you said, let's go deeper with that. Being told by a doctor and this doesn't make the doctor wrong, right. Being told by the doctor to a young person, you're not gonna be able to play sports.

So [00:08:00] one. What's the effect. Does the kid believe it? Right. And number two, do the parents believe it? Yeah. I mean, so it's not it, it goes deeper. Absolutely. Right. So, so, that in itself is, is to me very, very very, very important. The other thing about quitting and Phil you're coach, we all have had kids that at one time or another have wanted to quit.

My. Coaching suggestion on that is to just say to a kid, well, look, let's, don't quit this week. Let's revisit it next week. I mean, rather than getting into in the moment, the whole, well, here's why you can't quit. And, and, and our let's say our default reason that we know a kid shouldn't quit. But what if we just tell 'em, let's wait till like next week and see how you feel about

[00:08:56] Phil: it.

Yeah, no, that's great. And especially when you're talking about, if [00:09:00] you're coaching seven year olds, that's, you know, that's, that's definitely something they may not, they may or may not that may or may not. If you're talking about high school kids or college kids for that matter, they're still all immature.

You know, even if they're the most mature high school kid ever to walk the earth, they're still gonna be immature because they haven't had the life experiences to understand these different things. Right. So I look at it and go as a coach, how can you help them to be, to, to be mature beyond their years?

Like, they may be mature beyond, but they still won't have those experiences. They still won't have the ability to know. Right. And so how can we as a coach, help them to be at that level that we know they need to be or should be, or can be. And so I love that idea that, Hey, what about next week? And what about that, that, that idea of it, but what if that doesn't work then?

Well, you know what, this is also a good coaching teaching point. [00:10:00] You're not gonna win 'em all. Nope. Some kids may quit. Right. Andrew could have said, forget it. I'm done. We wouldn't have this great story today. And not every story when someone doesn't quit turns out like Andrew either. Right? So it may be that they don't quit and they become a terrible kid, but , hopefully that's not the case.

Right. But I'm gonna, I'm not, I'm gonna say is the, the lesson I think for coaches is to. To really instill in them and ethic of quitting is not going to help you be successful in life. Quitting is not a good strategy. No. Okay. So that idea of give it another week, that idea of that Def and it's really a delayed gratification because them quitting.

Often is wanting to be that quick. I want stuff. I want something. I want time. I want ease. I want this life that's gonna be super easy and I don't have to work at stuff. Right. That's not going to help you. That delayed [00:11:00] gratification is something that I think causes people to quit jobs. It causes people to say, that's too hard.

I don't wanna do it. And so, to be able as a coach to say, even it could be let's revisit it next week, or it could be to sit down and go, okay, just tell me why you wanna. Let's have a conversation about it. And you know, it may be that I agree with you, or it may be that maybe your reasons are, are let's let's have a conversation about those reasons.

They're probably. That you're saying that's the reason, but what's behind that. And what's behind that.

[00:11:34] Coach Roz: And, and, and what I'm hearing you say, Phil is not every kid should be playing that, that, that, that every kid needs to play football, or every kid needs to play soccer. Got one of our past guests, Phil Dubois played for the Redskins.

Right? He's the first to say he coaches some kids that truly are only playing because they haven't found a better alternative. They're much [00:12:00] more art inclined. They're much more music inclined, right? So we're not, we're not trying to say here, no kid should ever quit, but examining, what I hear you say is examining their reasons and digging in a little bit to see what's really going on is.

Is the important part.

[00:12:18] Phil: Yeah. And that's all part of coaching too. I mean, think about it. You might hear something that you never would've known about them. You may find out that they want to quit because I gotta help take care of my little brother. You might find out that they're quitting because they feel like they need to get a job.

And I, we had a, I had a player quit last, last year, senior in high school, she knew she wasn't gonna be playing in college and she wanted to go get a job. And I. You know, I'm gonna miss you. I'd love to have you play, but if you really feel like that's what you need to do, and that's the real reason, and it's not all these ulterior things, then I'm not gonna get in the way you doing that.

Sure. And that's not, I mean, you're gonna learn work ethic having a job too. And so, [00:13:00] but if, you know, if I feel like they're just using it as a cop out, you know, again, to, in this case with Andrew, let's bring it back to Andrew in this case, if he says. I want to quit because he's in the middle of wind sprints on 105 day.

And it's just really hard now. I'm hoping you gave him water but then you question it and go, you're quitting because it's too hard. That is not a good life lesson to teach anybody. Right. So that's something that I look at and I go, okay, as a coach, we have these, these, this amazing responsibility. And honor and privilege to be able to help make these kids into who they can be and teaching them these lessons.

And so I think that that quitting conversation is there may be legitimate reasons to leave a job. Someday. There may be legitimate reasons to, to transfer schools. [00:14:00] There may be, you know, right now I'm gonna. Be very clear here. Uh there's there's very few legitimate reasons to break up a marriage. yep.

And I mean, I could go on that and we could talk about that for a really long time. So there's some things that you don't quit if you start, but there are a lot of things that you may, there may be another job. That's what you're supposed to be doing. There may be. And so for a football player to go, Hey, why are you quitting or wanting to quit?

Mm-hmm and in let's make a deal. If it's a legitimate reason, we'll both agree. Go on. If it's something that I feel is illegitimate, we'll have a much deeper conversation about it. And then let's wait a week. Let's wait two weeks. And just, just to see, just like when going back to that delayed gratification, it's just like, when you're at the store and you're like, Ooh, I really want this.

And you say, okay, I'm just gonna wait a week. And if in a week you're still like, Ooh, I really want, then maybe you say I'm gonna wait another week or maybe you go back and get

[00:14:54] Coach Roz: it. You know, you do considerable amount of work in the area of marriage [00:15:00] counseling. And, and I'm, I'm thinking this in real time and it may be a stretch, but as we're talking about this quitting thing and let's wait a week, how many relationships Phil?

Had they just inserted time. How many relationships do you know of that? They quit and gave up on that? Had they inserted time into the equation? Hey, L let's don't let's don't quit this relationship this week. Why don't we, why don't we, why don't we enter into this with a coach, right. That knows what they're doing and let's revisit quitting.

a week from now or a month from now, you think there'd be any marriages saved?

[00:15:38] Phil: Well, it's interesting you say that because I think the, the couple things there that are critical are you're bringing in somebody else who has wisdom in that. And that's something I would say, whether it's the, I think that's a great lesson for coaches too.

Right? As we're talking about this, even as you were saying that I was thinking that to go. But it's also [00:16:00] important that if there is that, that, okay. I don't think it's legitimate as the coach. Right. There's that there is that disagreement mm-hmm, where he's like, I wanna quit. And you're like, but I don't think that's legitimate.

Bring in that third party. Maybe another teammate, right? Maybe another coach, maybe a teacher, maybe somebody else who knows them, maybe maybe a parent if they really respect the parent, but the parent probably wouldn't be the best person in that, in that instance. But in this case with Andrew, that was the other interesting thing.

His mom would've come in and said, yeah, quit. Yep. Cause I'm afraid. And it's that fear. Yeah. That's the other reason a lot of people quit. It's that fear of what might happen. I might get hurt. I might not be able to get good grades. I might not be able to do all these things. Yeah,

[00:16:40] Coach Roz: so, so stay. Okay. So the, the marriage thing, it would be, it would be interesting as we're camped on this don't quit thing.

It would be interesting how many people chime into us. If, if we just threw out, have you ever quit a job that [00:17:00] some period of time later you quit in the moment and some period of time later, you wish you. Stayed with that job. Mm-hmm how many people have made a decision to, again, forget football, quit their job.

Yeah. Quit their relationship. Right. There there's, it's just an example where football was helpful for a person in this case, Andrew to reshape how he feels about quit. That just

[00:17:31] Phil: strikes me. Yeah. And there, and today there are, I mean, there's a, a guy and I, I respect him a lot. And a lot of things, he says his name's Bob Goff.

I don't know if you're familiar with Bob Goff, but he's a speaker. He's a, he's a guy who does speaks all over the place. Whimsy. He's a phenomenal speaker, phenomenal public speaker. But one of the things he talks about is quit something every Thursday and he says it in a good way. Mm-hmm right. Like. These bad habits, you have quit some procrastinate, everything, [00:18:00] you know, all those things, just shed all those bad things, quit something every Thursday or Tuesday or whatever it is somebody's gonna correct me cuz it's a different day.

But the point is one day a week, he's quitting something mm-hmm . And while I think that has a lot of good to it, I think it also has danger in it, you know, because he knows what he means by that. But if people are just like quitting the hard things because it's too hard. That's a problem. Mm-hmm and I think those, those patterns are set early on.

Yeah. Right? And if, if, if you, if Andrew says I want to quit and you're like, fine, get outta here because you know, in your heart of hearts, he's not gonna be one of my stars. Anyway, all he's gonna do is cause me time and energy and effort to be coaching him. He knows. And I know he's not gonna, he's not gonna add much to this team.

You could be thinking all those things and go. Fine. Good. Riddens yep. But no, because as a coach, you know, that your role is to help your young men on that football [00:19:00] field to be the best men they can be when they leave your

[00:19:04] Coach Roz: program. Yep. As a coach, all you lose by, by allowing him in that case to quit is a lifelong relationship with an Andrew Mira commi, who, who.

The coach loves and he loves his coach and there's, and there's a bond for life there. That's all you lose.

[00:19:22] Phil: Well, and by the way, that's not all you lose. Yeah. What else you lose is the respect to your players, right? Because they're watching you on that and they go, oh, all he cares about is whether I can play.

Yep. Because if the starting quarterbacks is I quit, you're gonna have a very different conversation and they know that. Sure. And so if that that's something that you look at and you go everything I'm doing every single lesson I'm teaching all these other lessons that I want to teach are dependent on all these other lessons too.

So if I'm saying, go ahead and quit. Well, you lose respect. So the next time you're having a credibility conversation. I mean, are you losing credibility when you're having a conversation with somebody else and saying, well, I don't think you should. Well, why [00:20:00] not coach Andrew? Yeah, well, Andrew wasn't where there's no, your credibility.

He didn't

[00:20:06] Coach Roz: shot. He didn't really wanna be here, right? Yeah. Those Def yeah. Yeah. So, so I think, all right, so let's the coaching nugget here? The coaching nugget is as coaches. All of us face players that want to quit and what we with coaching character aspire to do and what we'll include into our clinics and, and into our apps.

And the things that we're passing along to a coach is the different things that we can do with a player. When they, when they come to you and say that they want to quit, mm-hmm , some actual tools. Right.

[00:20:40] Phil: Okay. Well, and, and I just don't wanna take a step back and two, and we've talked over the last few episode or the last several episodes about personalities too.

Mm-hmm different coaches handle that. I want to quit conversation very differently. And I want to encourage you coaches to know your personality and be really careful to not just act [00:21:00] as your personality in. Quitting conversation because a lot of task focused coaches that don't think about the people side as much.

Mm-hmm, , doesn't make you a bad person. It's just how you're wired. Oftentimes someone says I quit and you're like, fine. Good. Riddens. Because you'll, and you'll justify it by saying, if they're not really bought into our program, then they need to be gone. Right. A you're not caring about them as a person and B your program is gonna get weaker when you do that.

So think about it from the task standpoint, because I know that's how you're thinking, even right now, as I'm saying it, mm-hmm, , I'm not, I mean, I am, I am both task and people, but I'm more people. I lean more people. And I will say I, I get it that you're wanting to say, but, but, but, and I just wanna encourage you that you will have a much stronger team.

If you care about the people. [00:22:00] And if you aren't letting people quit because of they're not working as hard, or they're not, they don't wanna work as hard or they don't want this, or they don't want that. If you are having people quitting for the wrong reasons, your team will be weaker. You have a weaker program and then next year you're not gonna have people coming back to play for you.

So your juniors might be transferring or they might just be not playing football cuz they don't enjoy the sport. Yeah. And I saw that with, you know, with different soccer programs that I was a part of my daughter was on the. Number one team in the country, not exaggerating on that. I mean, rankings or rankings, and so people are gonna go, yeah, but that wasn't this or it wasn't that, or wasn't the other thing.

Okay. Let's say they were 20th in the country, whatever. They were a super good team, amazing team and they couldn't keep players. How was that possible? Yeah. People weren't moving away. People I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna give you one guess

[00:22:55] Coach Roz: might have had something to do with the coach. That may be the well cause the culture

[00:22:58] Phil: of the team.

Sure. Which [00:23:00] starts from the top and the it's it's all part of it. Yep. So I look at it and I go, okay, now, It was, it's not fault of one person, but you as a coach have the ability to create that culture, make that culture and everything is connected into that culture. So that's not, we're not talking about culture right now, but all of this goes to culture, right?

Everything we're talking about goes to the culture of your team and the culture of your team is critical. And you as the coach have the ability to shape that culture more than anybody else in that, in that program. And so cuz you are, you are the leader of that program. Whether you like it or not, , you know?

[00:23:41] Coach Roz: Yeah. You're the leader of the program or you're the leader of your particular position. Sure. Yeah. Goes without saying so. Yeah. So, you know, let's let's transition Phil into another part of the, the Andrew interview that I thought was fascinating is Andrew came from a functioning to parent family.

I mean, if [00:24:00] there's not a more if there's not a more. What you would say ideal profile family. He's the son of a pastor, big family, every, I mean, my gosh, it looks like Ozzie and Harriet. And he talked about the role. That a coach plays in a functioning family. Now you and I work in the war zone and we work in areas where that's not the case, but I just found it was interesting and fascinating what he thought the coach's role was in, in a functioning family.

[00:24:31] Phil: Yeah. You know, I mean, we've talked about that already with the, the role of a coach in, in dysfunctional set situations and settings and, and I, I think it's, it is really important cuz. I hope people would describe my kids as people, as kids that come from a functional house with parents who love each other and care for them and have raised them and love them and push them when in proper and, and lay off when proper and whatever.

And I will [00:25:00] tell you that coaches have had a huge role in my kids' lives, and I love that they they're supplementing us. You know, you hear I, I think the, the, the phrase it takes a village has been misused all over the place. But the idea of it that I love is that the parents aren't enough. Mm-hmm , and that's not a bad thing.

Now. I, the way I say it's misused, I think some parents take a backseat too much and they, and they, they use that as an excuse to say, I don't need to really parent my. But I think that it absolutely is true that I need more people in my kids' lives than just. And my wife who loved them as much as parents can love them and do, and, and we take the stewardship of our kids' lives as, as seriously as you possibly can.

But I know that their teacher, that my daughter's teacher who poured into her as an eighth grader and a seventh grader man, without her in her life, my daughter would be very different than she is today. And with, with [00:26:00] coaches to know that with, with that coach, Poured into them and just loved them and cared about them.

I talked to my kids all the time about it. Like that. Coach loves you and cares about you. Don't minimize that. Don't, don't take that for granted. You know, that you have that and you'll see that later. And you have no idea what they're doing behind the scenes. And the truth is we as parents, our kids have no idea what we're doing behind the scenes too, to the, but the, and the problem is not all coaches are.

I'm not saying that about every coach that my kids have had, and I look at it and. I see less and less coaches out there in these youth sports, especially the club and pay, you know, pay to play programs out there that actually care deeply about the kids. So that, that bums me out. Yeah. But because I, I, I do think that then it's harder as a parent to go.

I want you to, like, they could be a role model for you, but I struggle with that. With some of these coaches I'm seeing, I wouldn't necessarily say that to my [00:27:00] kid.

[00:27:00] Coach Roz: Well, and this just exemplifies the work to be done. Cuz I'm gonna, I'm gonna give you a follow up to what you, what you were just talking about as a functioning dad.

You welcome another set of eyes and, and lenses into your child's life, right? Yeah. So let me give you, let me throw one up that you'll only go for about four hours on what happens if we have a broken dad or no dad, that, that doesn't understand that it still takes a village.

[00:27:39] Phil: Yeah, well, the, no dad wouldn't do that.

Yeah. But the broken dad yeah. Start with broken dad,

[00:27:43] Coach Roz: which probably, and you only have about three hours

[00:27:45] Phil: in this one. No, and I, and I'll, I'll make it quick, but the, the broken we'll talk. I mean, the beauty of it is this isn't the last episode we're doing. Right. So, but the broken dad. Again, as you've talked about, this is what I've done.

The last 12 years of my life is, is, [00:28:00] is helping the kids who have the brokenness who are, we're trying to restore them. Mm-hmm but the broken dad often as with any unhealthy thing, right. Will often try to hold things too close. And we'll say I have all the power here, and I don't want you to speak into that because I'm afraid that you're gonna tell him something that is different from what I want to tell him, which is probably unhealthy.

Cuz if it's a healthy coach then, and they're pouring character and integrity and all these lessons that we're trying to teach them and they go against what dad's doing at home. Dad looks like a fool and dad feels like you're gonna, you know, cuz dad needs to learn those lessons too. And you know, That one of my passions is to help build men into what they should be and can be, and need to be for our families to be strong for our kids, to be strong for our communities and society to be strong.

And it just [00:29:00] irks me so much when there is an amazing coach that wants to pour into the kid because that doesn't always happen. And there's a dad who, or a mom who are getting in the way. Not only not doing it at home, but getting in the way of the people who love and care about these kids to be able to help them to do it.

Now, I'm not saying that we want to encourage coaches to go behind the backs of parents and to, and to undo things parents are doing. If they don't agree with them, that's not what I'm saying at all, but there are certain things that we would agree we would all agree. And, and if you're listening to this, you know, You could close your eyes and picture the households that we're talking about.

We're not talking about, we disagree with the way you're raising your kid or the way you disciplined or whether you don't ever yell at your kid, or you don't ever say no to your kid or you don't. Those are things that are different parenting styles, different parenting techniques with different kids, different discipline works.

That's a whole different conversation for another day. [00:30:00] We could go for four hours, but we're not going to,

[00:30:02] Coach Roz: I threw you up a softball on ,

[00:30:04] Phil: but. On one hand on the other hand, there's too much to it, but because what I want you to understand folks is there are so many nuances to these things too. So I don't want you to think that I'm saying that a coach needs to usurp the authority and stewardship of the parents.

Now, what I hope will happen ideally, is that we help the kids and simultaneously helped the parent. To understand, take the time as a coach, if you really want to be able to impact that kid, take the time as a coach to call up the parents, say, Hey, let's have lunch. Let's have coffee. Can you come over to our house for dinner?

You know, and to be able to really pour into that family, because if you're going to get the best out of your player, that family needs to be as healthy as it can be too. And that kid's parents need to be as healthy as they can be too, because then that kid will be healthy for you. It'll be healthy for your team.

And it'll be very likely that that kid [00:31:00] will be a productive and a such a great member of that team rather than a virus on that team, because. You don't know what you're gonna get when a kid has an unhealthy home.

[00:31:09] Coach Roz: Well, it, it, I can see, you're not no passion there, no passion whatsoever. And here's what, here's what we'll pin this because it's, it is another episode what you are saying.

Here's, here's what I'm hearing you say. And I'm gonna put a term on it. If you will become a relational coach as a, as opposed to a transactional coach, mm-hmm a relational coach. Mm-hmm that's the, can we go get a cup of coffee? Can, and you can do that at the youth level at. Club level at the rec level at the high school level, if you choose and, and, and please hear me when I use this term, this is not a, this is not a Playmaker term.

It's a Joe Erman term. If you choose to become a relational coach, opposed to a transactional coach, some magnificent transformation can,

[00:31:59] Phil: [00:32:00] can occur, man. Inside out coaching Joe airman. That's what you just referred to there?

[00:32:07] Coach Roz: I was drop, I was named, dropping there to show you I'm a red guy.

[00:32:10] Phil: Yeah. He's he's your, he's your buddy.

Amazing dude. But what I will say there is

it takes time and it takes energy. It takes effort. To do all these things. And there's so many coaches that will have so many reasons why there's no way they could ever do all that. Mm-hmm and. I'm not saying, go have dinner with every single player on your football team and you have to have 50 dinners and do all that.

Cuz then you'd probably sacrifice your family in your home. But if you see that there's a kid that has this situation and it hopefully isn't your whole team. If you're working in an inner city situation, it will likely be a whole lot more that I'm dealing with at Folsom high school with my girl soccer team.

My point here is you can [00:33:00] either, and I'm talking youth, youth sports programs are probably the worst with a lot of the parents where they're yelling and they're screaming and they're doing all these things at age seven and eight. You can either give 'em a sheet at the beginning of the year that says, sign this.

These are our team rules and take it or leave it. And this is what I do. And if you violate 'em, you're done. and that's transactional. Right.

[00:33:22] Coach Roz: And almost never works.

[00:33:23] Phil: It never works. Yeah. You can't talk on the sideline. Yeah. You can't scream silent sidelines, silent Saturdays that are doing in these coach.

That's just silly. Yeah. Quite frankly. And I think that does a disservice to the kids. Cuz then, then you can't encourage, 'em either you're afraid to say anything. Right. But you can either do that or you can actually build relationships with them and say, Hey, you know what? Come. if you've had dinner with them and they've been in your home and you've talked with them about these things and they're on the sideline being a, you know what, I could have a lot of words for it.

You know, the, you know, the parents and I've been that parent at some point. Yeah. Where I look back now at watching my [00:34:00] nine year old and hearing a lot of the parents and I look at 'em and go, that was me. Oh my gosh. Yeah. And I'm not perfect anymore either, but yep. I look at it and go, if somebody were to have built relationship with me, And brought me aside and said, Hey, here's how you sound.

And here's how you look. And here's what it can be. As a parent, it could have changed everything, right. And it wouldn't have been a threat. It wouldn't have been someone coming in and intruding on the way I raised my kid the way I do whatever it would've been. Someone who cares about me and cares about my kid who wants the best for both of us.

Again, with certain people with certain hard hearts, it will take longer to soften that. And it may never happen by the way. And it may be that you try and you try and it's like, and at some point you need to say, okay, that's not gonna work there, but I [00:35:00] wouldn't just do it once and go, okay. It didn't work because think of how many kids.

Don't play the game today because their coach didn't go through that hard work. I think of how many kids are not successful in what they're doing or quitting things or are, are viruses and companies because their coach didn't take the time to make it a relationship rather than transaction. Yeah. So, well, that's where I'll end for today, but don't, don't think that this is the last I'm talking about.

[00:35:23] Coach Roz: No, no. And, and the explanation point that I'm gonna put on that before, if we end this segment today without mentioning our producer. Katie Freeman who is doing passive aggressive because it, I was halfway through this segment and she didn't tell me that I didn't have my headset on, which is her way of saying you didn't mention me in this segment.

Mm-hmm, , that's sarcasm by the way. So, so we do want to thank Katie. We do want to thank Katie for all of the, all of the work that she does and, and and here's my exclamation point. I'm I'm. Capping what you said. You want me to be, I'm [00:36:00] a coach and you want me to be relational and you want me to, to go to somebody's house and you want me to take a dad to coffee, and you want me to do these things as a volunteer coach?

And my answer is. Yes, that's exactly what we want you to do and it's time consuming. And if you've taken on the role of coach and you put a coach's shirt on, then be ready to put the work in and go the extra effort or go find another hobby. That doesn't sound very pretty, but that's how we hold coaching in reverence.

You can go be. And I mean this in a positive way, you can be a big brother, big sister, and you can put in four hours a month and that's a very needed, needed task. But if you want to be a coach, then cowboy up and put the time in and be willing to be coached and be willing to go the extra [00:37:00]mile or find another vehicle.

So that's that's my. That's my strong message and that's gonna ruffle some people, but so be it. Phil great great to kick off the new year with you. I'm excited about where we're going. There's some neat stuff coming and I am privileged to be along the ride along for the ride with

[00:37:25] Phil: you on this, it may even be here by the time we. Put this out there because we're recording this at a time.

Well, before this is released, so all those things may be available. So if you're, if you're listening, go to the playmaker.org, and check that out. Also, you know, we're, we're talking about doing other things. I'd be curious to hear you folks out there. I mean, I'm assuming a lot of you were coaches.

We talked about marriage earlier. Coach and I have been kind of noodling on the idea of helping coaches with their marriages and to be able to help, coaches, help coaches, coaches, coaching coaches on things that we've learned. We've had [00:38:00] different journeys in our lives to be able to walk alongside you and to help you and different ways we want to help you be the best coaches you can be.

And if your marriage is unhealthy then I'll tell you what, it's gonna be hard for you to be the best coach you can be. And, and so I will Put that out there, let us know. And it, you know, we'll take that into, it'll be all part of the, we'll put it all in the pot and stir it around and go. We have so many different things we can do here.

And we're excited to be here to serve you and to help you and to, to, you know, which at the end of the day, you know, we're, we're being helped by this as much as anybody cuz we're learning so much from our guests, but we are here to really help you and build you up. So folks, as we, as we sign off here, take everything that you're learning on this show, and hopefully it's inspiring you to read some stuff too. Maybe that inside out book by Joe Ehrmann watch some different things and to be thinking about these principles that we're talking about. And I do hope that you are implementing them and taking them and helping you to be a better [00:39:00] coach, to be able to inspire your players, to be better people, and that we can do this together. And hopefully we'll be able to have better society at the end of this all this work together.

 

Well folks, I hope that you know, now why Paul and I thought it was a good idea. To release these episodes this summer. And to be able to give you the wisdom that Greg Rosler was able to bring. I mean, he and I were able to have some really fun conversations, but not just fun conversations, conversations that hopefully will help you and others to be able to be better coaches, to be able to be. able to build up our players. Through our relationships with them, through our relationships with our parents, and really to be able to understand how we can be very healthy ourselves. And so there will be more from the coaching character podcast this summer.

the next four or five weeks, we will have episodes coming at you from, uh, those episodes that we weren't able to release. [00:40:00] And, in the meantime you can go back, you know, and listen to all the other episodes we have, we have over 90 episodes now, so you can go back and listen to as much as you want to over the next few weeks before we released the new episodes, you can also check out warrior way soccer.com to see what Paul and Marcy Jobson are doing with kids in Waco, Texas, as well as other things they're doing across the country and around the world. And so check that out. Also coaching the bigger game.com is, information about the program that Christian DeVries and I are doing Christian was a guest on the show a few episodes ago. So check that out, coaching the bigger game.com to really understand how you can work on your self leadership, your leadership of your individual players and leadership of your team, whether that's an organization, a soccer team, or really anything else that you're leading.

So with all that folks, I hope that you take everything you learned from this show and you use it to help you be a better. Coach a better parent, a better spouse. A better teacher, a [00:41:00] better. Leader in whatever you're doing. And. Constantly remind you that soccer does explain. Life and leadership. Thanks a lot. Have a great week